


The Whole Duck

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Shrek (2001), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-15
Updated: 2012-12-15
Packaged: 2017-11-21 05:39:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony gets Steve to come out of the closet. A yellow ostrich feather and a pair of black suede boots are involved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Whole Duck

**Author's Note:**

> _Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers; perverted sex involves the whole duck. Lewis Grizzard Jr. (1946 – 1994)_

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Steve tried to respond to his fan mail, but it quickly became apparent that he didn't have time, not even if he did nothing more than sign his name to the stacks pre-opened and sorted by the Avengers' publicity agents? buffer zone? Whatever. Even after they'd removed the hazardous, hostile, and offensive (despite what Tony Stark said, he didn't _need_ women's panties inscribed with telephone numbers) what was left would have taken an hour each day just to read. So he agreed to let them respond for him with a printed form letter. They had a dozen or so varieties to cover the various requests, but mostly people just wanted his signature and a photo. If it made some kid happy to have a photo of Captain America, fine, but he felt uncomfortable using national symbolism so the pose was just him in the suit before a simple photographer's studio backdrop of trees. He's a man, not a symbol. He's got a man's faults and needs and he's not going to raise the pedestal he stands on any higher.

But he wanted to give people something that at least _looked_ more personal. The staff said he could sign his name along with various greetings and they'd copy them for random use on the responses but he hadn't been happy with the way modern pens wrote. Fine for jotting notes, but he wanted a little pizzazz. He could buy a calligraphy set, but that seemed wasteful when he probably was only going to use it one time. Heck, he had a sharp knife, if he just could get a large feather he'd make his own quill pen. It couldn't be that hard, could it?

"Jarvis?" Stark's invisible butler would know if they already had something like that around the Tower that he could borrow. "Are there any quills around the place?"

"Quills, sir?"

Steve felt a bit smug to have asked a question that threw know-it-all Jarvis. "Quills. You know, feathers, big ones." He held his hands out far enough for something like maybe a turkey wing feather. There's a lot of turkey available in the market these days, they can't just throw away all the feathers, can they?

"There are several feathers belonging to _Struthio camelus_ stored in the supply closet in the recreation room."

"Struthio camelus?"

"Commonly known as the ostrich, sir."

"Huh. Yeah, that'd do, I guess." He could buy a small bottle of ink later, once he had his pen. He hadn't tried out the recreation room, but since Stark had set it up for them, he assumed they were all free to use the supplies. He went to the room which was ridiculously full of scattered body pillows and assorted couches and even a few beds with huge televisions. He guessed Stark's idea of recreation was watching movies while lounging around like a cat. Well, that wasn't any of Steve's business, he'd just find the storage closet and take a feather.

He shouldn't have been surprised that the closet was a walk-in, larger than the apartment he grew up in. There were shelves on either side with built-in drawers, some labeled, some numbered, some color-coded with symbols according to some scheme that probably made sense to Stark. He could be in here all day. "Jarvis, I'm in the closet. Where are the ostrich feathers?" 

"You will find them on the second row to your right in the drawer marked with a large green 'S'."

"The 'S' with what looks like a pair of Jack-in-the-pulpit blooms on it?"

"That is correct, sir."

Steve opened the drawer and found it full of clothing. There was a medieval looking green velvet gown, and beneath that a package tied loosely with a length of brown cord included a short brown suede vest, very large white coarse fabric long sleeved tunic and trousers in a really ugly green and brown plaid. He pulled the drawer further out and saw another set of clothing behind, topped off by a red-trimmed black musketeer hat decorated with an ostrich plume dyed a bright yellow. He wasn't going to wreck the hat for the feather, but then, Jarvis had said 'several', so he shifted the hat. Red-trimmed black suede cape to match the hat, ditto a pair of wide-cuffed, embossed with fleur-de-lis, boots, a belt with a tarnished silver buckle and even a gosh-darn basket-hilted, Spanish-style rapier. Wow, Halloween must really be Stark's favorite holiday. Ok, there, behind all of that there was a padded envelope with extra feathers. He took one and ran his fingers down the shaft to make sure it wasn't broken.

"It's kinky if you use the feathers. It's only perverse if it's the whole duck." Steve turned to see Tony Stark standing at the entrance to the closet, smirking. "Jarvis told me you were here. I wanted to see you come out of the closet."

Steve frowned. "I'm sure that's very clever. Ducks, and all. I wanted to make a quill pen. Do you mind?" He held up the single feather.

"No, no, not at all, who am I to interfere with a man's simple pleasures." Stark was still leaning across the doorway, blocking Steve. "Why don't you ask me about my pleasures?" 

"I don't think I want to know, Stark."

"Tony. Now that we're living together, call me Tony."

Steve sighed. "Sure, Tony." He might as well get it over with. "And what do you do with all these clothes?"

"I could demonstrate? Unless you're too busy?" Tony pouted. He absolutely did, the whole lower lip and sad eyes routine.

Honestly, it was ridiculous, but then this was his Tower, and a man's home was his castle. Steve's mom would insist he show his host the basic courtesies. "Sure, Tony."

"Great!" Tony practically leaped into the closet. "Shrek's one of my current favorites. Pepper looks great in the Fiona costume, and sometimes we can get Bruce to let his hair down and play Shrek. Bruce has layers, like an onion." Tony pulled off his grease-stained black t-shirt, kicked off his shoes and began pulling off his trousers. He wasn't wearing underpants. Steve wondered if that was simply because he hadn't taken the time, or if it was something to do with his playboy reputation. Steve wasn't sure, but he thought there were rumors about Errol Flynn not wearing underpants. And other rumors.

"And who do you play?" Ok, Steve had to admit that one of the things he'd lost to time was a signed photo of Mr. Flynn he used to keep under his pillow. He just... yeah, Steve liked to look at him. He was strong, and brave, graceful, and reckless... and looked really nice in tights. Actually, Tony had quite a nice body, too, not what he'd expect of a billionaire. He looked like he was used to hard work... wonder how much strength the Iron Man armor required? Even if it was electric, or whatever, it was still metal and must be heavy.

"Me? Oh, hey, I'm Puss. Puss in Boots. It's the best role in the franchise, I think. Donkey gets good lines, but he hasn't any clothes." Tony finished off the costume by putting the hat on with a flourish and spread his arms, "What do you think?"

"Where's the pants?"

"I'm not really a Furry." Tony swirled the cape and slanted his hips in Steve's direction. "God, that's too close to Fury, which, no."

Steve looked Tony over thoroughly. "Mr. Stark, are you trying to seduce me?"

"Um, that's a stupid question... isn't everyone?" 

Steve thought back a moment. "No. Clint and Natasha..."

"They're exclusive. Mostly."

"Thor."

"I saw him admiring your ass, so I wouldn't count him out."

"Bruce..."

"He's shy. But worth the effort to draw him out of his shell, definitely." Tony smiled at Steve. It was pretty obvious Tony was interested. "Please?" Tony said. He took off the hat and held it in front of his chest and looked up at Steve, with his eyes widened and softened. Steve swore Tony's pupils grew into big black shiny pools of probably something poetic, but anyway, you know, shiny and black.

"Huh. I thought you and Ms. Potts..."

"Oh, yeah, we're like, two steps from being family, but hey, Avengers are family, too. She said it was fine, better than fine, if I could convince you to join us, but since she's away on business, she'll want pictures. It's only fair." Tony's eyes got even bigger and darker. He stopped talking. He added a lip quiver to the pout.

Steve considered it. The last time he'd got laid was either seventy some-odd years ago, or over a month. He liked feisty partners. And Tony really was cute when he wasn't bitching at Steve. What the hell. "Sure."

"Great!" Tony bounced, then turned around and pulled open another drawer. "I'm sure I have a Sleeping Beauty costume in here somewhere!"

"Tony, no," Steve said. He stepped close to Tony and wrapped his arms tightly around him. 

"Prince Charming?" Tony squirmed in an interesting way. "No, he was a bad guy in the movie."

Steve bit lightly at Tony's neck. He tasted a bit like coconut. "No, Tony." He undid his flies and rubbed against Tony's ass.

"Oh! I've got it! Mongo, the giant gingerbread man."

Steve laughed a little in Tony's hair. "And what does he wear?"

"Mainly white icing, gobs of thick, white icing. I'm sure we can find a substitute."

Yeah. Steve decided, the personal touch was always a good thing.

**Author's Note:**

> And this was the prompt [ [Crossover] Crack, Tony/Steve, 'The Whole Duck', Shrek Xover](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/3266.html?thread=952770#t952770)Steve was just looking for some extra art supplies. He expected to find something strange in Tony's closet, but what he wasn't expecting to find was a feathered hat, a cape, a rapier and a pair of boots that would fit Tony perfectly."


End file.
